So we'd done it, surely this time we would be successful. We had done everything by the book. I had taken Folic Acid for 4 months now, had eaten really healthy & was going to continue to do so.......even with my Dairylea Dunker addiction that had arisen. Seb had been taking Zinc and Vitamin C for sperm health, so we were good right? I had corrected everything I thought I'd done wrong last time.
We decided to tell our parents at the party, but just them for now until we felt ready. They were so happy and excited. I had to tell my best friends as I really needed some support. We were obviously over the moon happy, but my anxiety was really creeping in. The next few days I had to keep doing pregnancy tests just to make sure it really was true.....i kept thinking my period was going to come when it was due and the tests had got it all wrong. But the lines were getting stronger and stronger and I was getting more & more tired. My boobs were on fire again, I couldn't even swing my arms they hurt so much. After my period due date came & went I started to feel like it was a bit more real. So the day after I called the doctors surgery to make my midwife appointment and due to my history they wanted to see me early, so I had an appointment for 2 weeks time which would have made me just over the 6 week gestation mark. I told my work straight away, well....actually I didn't, I just said I needed to talk to Wendy (my Boss) and she just said, I know you're pregnant!! (I swear she can sniff out pregnancy, she sniffed out the last one), and she also said they will support me in whatever way I need. So that was a relief, as I was really feeling tired and was certainly not on top form. Some days I could barely string a sentence together! I don't think it helped that I wasn't actually sleeping very well, despite being so tired. I kept getting so paranoid that I would have another miscarriage and I started to get flashbacks of that hospital and my blood everywhere. Thankfully, I had my little cat Hugo that kept sensing this and kept coming over to me , purring and giving me some affection. He's not a very affectionate cat at all (unless Dreamies are around), so this was out of the ordinary. With the previous pregnancy he really didn't want much to do with me and seemed to purposely sleep at the bottom of the bed next to Seb rather than me. So I thought maybe he knew something was wrong, you read that animals have a weird sense about these things, so that's why he didn't want to be near me. But this time he was very, very clingy......I couldn't even go to the shop without him following me. So maybe this time I thought I was OK. I kept having arguments in my head that everything will be OK.....but then preparing for the worst and thinking the worst would happen. It was such a head fuck! The next few weeks went by going over & over this, I was shattered & my symptoms were really ramping up.....Constipation being the worst. It was so uncomfortable & I didn't like to push there because I was terrified I was going to push the baby out, so that didn't help either. I think I was getting quite close to going mad!!
Thankfully the midwife appointment was finally here. I had a 2 sided piece of paper with questions on there....remember me blaming dry shampoo for a miscarriage?......that was in there. I could also get some help on this bloomin constipation. I looked about 4 months pregnant due to bloating!! I walk in & it's the same midwife I saw last time. As soon as she said, "Hello", I just burst out crying. Genuinely could not get a word out for a good 5 minutes. She was so lovely and was really sympathetic. I got out my list of questions and passed it to her, she gave it a good look, held my hand and said there was nothing I did to cause the miscarriages. Not one thing! So we then went through the usual tests and questions, and again she said I was a Grade A patient, but that she wanted me to have an early reassurance scan & to be passed over to the specialist at Lincoln Hospital to help with my anxiety. I didn't ask for any of this, she just knew I needed it. I was so grateful. And I did leave feeling a bit better actually.
I didn't have much hope of getting a scan soon, I remembered how useless they were the last time, so I didn't dwell on it. I have never experienced sickness as in physically being sick, I just feel sick on random moments that aren't often, so even though the midwife assured me that having no sickness doesn't mean you are miscarrying, I just kept thinking it wasn't right. You see on all the films when someone is pregnant they chuck up all the time. I had really started to talk myself into thinking this wasn't happening for us. I then get a phone call that evening from the EPU, saying they can fit me in for a scan in 2 days!!! Eh???? I was in a bit of shock to be honest, I obviously booked it straight away....even though a big part of me was expecting to see nothing, a small part of me was still hopeful. I put the phone down & felt a bit angry.....why couldn't they have fitted me in that quickly when I was a wreck & miscarrying??
Nightmares were really strong for the next 2 nights, I kept dreaming I was in that scan room and there was nothing there! I could even smell that hospital smell! I had a little wobble at work (which is really unlike me), but thankfully Wendy calmed me down a bit.
The appointment day came, I woke up at 6am and was ready by 7am....appointment wasn't until half 8, but we couldn't wait any longer so we just made our way to the hospital (it is literally 10 minutes down the road), so we sat there drinking that watery hot chocolate in the hospital entrance waiting, and waiting. This was the slowest time had ever gone!!! I was so scared. I could tell Seb was really nervous too, we were both being quiet (very unlike us). 30 minutes to go, we made our way into the waiting room & signed in. There was no-one else there other than the nurses so we couldn't even people watch. I needed a piss so bad so I'd started making my feet dance....it's so much worse when you are bored and scared shitless. Seb was also tapping his feet.......but he can pee when he likes so I knew it was nerves.
Finally......we were called in. My heart is literally coming out of my chest, I feel so sick & I am shaking like a shitting dog. I explain our history to the Sonographer & she gives a sympathetic nod and explains that it may take her a few minutes to find what she needs as it's an early scan and to bear with her. I really feel like I'm going to pass out, that cold jelly goes on and I turn to look at Seb, then remember that last look in his eyes so I look to the floor......... All of a sudden she says, here's baby with a nice heartbeat measuring exactly 6 weeks & 5 days which was in line with my period dates!! I've never turned my head so quickly...........she shows us the screen and I'm in such disbelief. I ask her twice if its definitely ours......I was crying with relief and shock, I've never felt like that before. There was this gorgeous little peanut with a heartbeat pumping away. Seb had a huge smile on his face and bless him, started to get his phone out to record it......which we had to remind him you can't do. The Sonographer just laughed and said its OK I'll get a photo printed for you and you can meet the nurse in the room next door. I get dressed and we hug each other grinning from ear to ear. We go into that horrid room that we were in a few months before, but this time with happy news. The nurse brings in our picture & I can't stop looking at it. She makes our next scan appointment for another 2 weeks. We were finally walking out of that hospital happy....genuinely could not wipe the smile off my face. I took a picture of the scan on my phone and sent it to everyone. We got so many congratulations, it felt lovely. I felt like I could start to bond with this baby now. Seb had to go back to work & I could go home to freshen up 1st. I went for a little walk to the woods where we lived, just holding my tummy & smiling in the sunshine. I really felt like a mummy.
The midwife had recommended luctoluse for the constipation which had worked that week, but was now not working at all. I was eating vegetables and fibre, I was swimming 3 times a week as well as doing Yoga but it still wasn't working. So off to Doctor Google again.........on one page I saw that Prune Juice was recommended. Sounded gross but I was getting so uncomfortable!! Anyone reading this thinking that Prune Juice might be a good idea.....don't do it!!!! It tasted awful & the only thing it did was make my bum release the human equivalent of nerve gas!! Seb was previously in the Army & had been in the depths of Iraq in 50 degree heat with a load of smelly men that haven't been able to wash their clothes in months, and even he said my arse smelt worse than that!! Great! Pregnancy really isn't dignified!! So don't drink that. Go to your GP & get a suppository! Much easier!!
Despite my smelly bum, we were still happy. I didn't care how ill I got, I was just happy we were pregnant. The due date for the previous baby had come along & I felt sad on that day, I shed a few tears looking out of that same window I had done when miscarrying, but I also knew that we had our little rainbow on the way.
My Birthday came & we had a little party in the garden, this is where we told the rest of the family & passed around our little picture of peanut. I sat there looking at my best friends baby & our nephew wondering what our little baby will look like. Best Birthday I'd ever had.
My symptoms were really starting to get worse, I was even feeling a little sick. A few days later we went to pick up a car for Seb, he'd passed his driving test, so this was amazing......he could chauffer my fat pregnant (smelly) ass everywhere!! I had to have the window down the whole time I felt so sick. This was reassuring me that things were progressing as they should & we stayed in this bubble for another week......when all of a sudden my symptoms had really faded!! My head instantly thought the worst & instead of calling the midwife like a sensible person I went back to Dr Google!!! I saw the chances of miscarrying after seeing a heartbeat were actually quite low & that symptoms can come & go.....and then on the next page I read that it meant the worst & to get to A&E!! Well I wasn't going there! I had my scan in 2 more days so there was nothing to do other than wait! I did tell Seb about the symptoms but tried to put a positive spin on it. I really didn't want to worry him.
The day before the scan I was laid on the bed with the cat, listening to some music, trying to keep calm, but thoughts were racing through my head. "Never Enough" came on from the Greatest Showman & the words just made me so sad! I just held my little belly & cried & cried. I think I knew deep down what had happened.
We get up the next morning bright and early again, and I'm fidgeting like mad trying to keep my brain on something else but its not working. I swear that the clock in the waiting room is stuck!! Again time had stood still. After what seemed like a lifetime we get called in and I explain the symptoms disappearing....the sonographer looked at me with concern and asked if I had any bleeding or spotting, which I hadn't...so maybe I was just being paranoid. She just said lets have a look & see whats happening. It was longer this time, I took my eyes off the floor and braved it to look at Seb & I could see that same look; that empty, sad look. I turned to her & asked, "there's nothing there is there?" She just said she was so sorry but there wasn't what she expected to be there for almost 9 weeks gestation but she needed someone to confirm. So another lady comes in and starts moving the paddle thing around and says I'm so sorry, there is a fetus but no heartbeat. I just cried, and cried, and cried. Seb was holding my hand and I just felt like I had let him down. I couldn't understand what I could have possibly done, or what could have happened. As usual I blamed everything on myself.
I got told to have a wee and that they'd need to do an internal! Hello Wanda....again!!! She looked even bigger than last time. I just wanted to get dressed and plan the next steps so I could go home. Hate this bit.
I got dressed and there we were!!! Back in that little room!!! I now hated that little room again! The nurse came in and said how sorry she was, but before she could even go through the next sentence I had awful flashbacks of my last miscarriage, I'd even started sweating so I just barked at her that I wanted surgery....I didn't even want to acknowledge the other methods. Bless her, she said they had space for 2 days time if I'd like it. I just said yes and burst into more tears, I just couldn't believe this had happened! I was here yet again.......this was now my 4th miscarriage!!!
