As you have read preciously we have seen the amazing team at Tommy's & now have a game plan....well sort of! Thanks to Covid we cannot be part of the trial for the diabetes drug as funding has been cut. The lovely Professor Quenby has arranged for us to have progesterone as a precaution, its not really part of my problem but making sure I have nice thick womb lining isn't going to hurt. She promised that we would have access to all their support & more investigative tests would be done on our baby if we miscarried to completely rule out any genetic problems (but she was pretty adamant that wasn't an issue)
So we decided to go start trying again......
4 weeks later....I was pregnant & we were in a lockdown!!!!
I decided to write a diary, and below is what I wrote:
20th April 2020 - I found out I was pregnant today - to be fair I think I knew a week ago. When you've been pregnant this many times its easy to read the signs.
I actually feel quite happy - not anxious. I told Seb by calling him Super sperm (see 1st blog for the joke on this) & popping the pregnancy test in his face. He also seemed happy. I think this is due to Tommy's reassuring us at our appointment last month.
I don't have many symptoms yet other than bad sleep, bad skin & sore boobs. But that's normal for 4 weeks.
21st April 2020 - I started taking the progesterone pessaries straight away yesterday. Such a weird feeling. I have to insert them vaginally & they keep pushing back out!! They are making me really bloated & I really struggled to sleep last night until Hugo came for a cuddle, and I finally let out a huge fart! Slept like a baby then....until 5am & Hugo vomited on the carpet (nothing to do with my fart may I add!!)
23rd April 2020 - Thank god my husband isn't shy!!! The progesterone started making my vagina burn like mad & gave me cystitis, so I remember the lovely nurses at Tommy's told me that if that happened I could insert them anally & they'd still work the same. Well I couldn't do it!!! I got too nervous & just kept pushing them back out! So I had to ask Seb to do it for me. Well he put them up far enough to not come back out! NICE!!
I still feel ok, no anxious moments other than constantly checking my pants! I've taken to having an afternoon nap after our government sponsored walk.....thanks Uncle Boris, I think the fresh air is really helping my mental state.
Thursday 30th April 2020 - Still feeling ok, not too many symptoms other than sore boobs & tiredness.
Anxiety is starting to creep in. Think this week alone I've checked my pants 1000 times. I get little cramps due to everything moving & the incredible wind these progesterone pessaries give you. However, 1 bonus is that they are helping me poo! I usually get quite constipated when I'm pregnant, yet every morning I've "been" so far.
I'm still glad we're in lockdown as we're in our nice safe bubble. No-one knows I'm pregnant, but my manager randomly messaged me to say she has a feeling I'm pregnant (she does this every time....how does she know??), I didn't answer, I just laughed it off. I'm crap at lying.
I've not called my GP or any midwives yet - I'm going to call Tommy's tomorrow & see what I need to do next. I don't want any appointments until I've had a 10-12 week scan really as I feel like I waste everyone's time.
Thursday 7th May 2020 - I called Tommy's last week & they were so lovely. They really seemed to care about how I was feeling which is such a change from what we are used to. I have a scan booked for the 29th May - which will make me just over 9 weeks which is perfect as that is usually my danger zone. I also get my blood test results next week, which I see Professor Quenby in person for. I'm a little apprehensive about going to a hospital as Corona is at large, but I will make sure I mask up, glove up & wash my hands like crazy!!
I had to call my GP to make my booking in appointment to get more progesterone, as the GP won't prescribe it without me seeing the midwife. That appointment is on 2nd June.
My anxiety has well & truly kicked in now. If I get a headache my mind goes to that 1 place, if I get tummy ache it goes to the same place. I keep checking that my boobs still hurt every 15 seconds, and then I worry that I don't feel sick! I've never really been sick with any of my pregnancies - just a nauseous feeling until I eat. My mum was the same when she was pregnant with me so I don't know why I always see it as a bad thing. I'm also really emotional & constantly needing a hug from Seb.
Monday 11th May 2020 - Well, what an asshole of a weekend! I started bleeding on Friday. I went for a usual morning wee, I wiped and there was bright red blood. Red blood really isn't a good sign at all. So I called my GP & they promised to get the EPU to call me for a scan. That was at 9am, so I kept myself busy with painting the front door & hallway. I kept a sanitary towel on so I could see what was happening & tried to stay positive. But I was pretty sure this was another miscarriage.......I just didn't want to accept it! I had a huge headache brewing & I still had blood but just brown spotting now. It got to 3pm & I'd had no contact from the EPU, they were absolutely rubbish before the pandemic so I don't know why I thought they would be any better now. I just want to know what I'm dealing with so I can get on with grieving... AGAIN!! So I booked a private scan. They shouldn't really be open but I'm so glad they are.
I had a really shit nights sleep & woke up with an almighty migraine!! Bleeding is the same - a bit brown, a bit red & spotting.
We get to the scan & meet 2 nice cheery ladies who kept talking about seeing a baby... I told them I don't think they will & explained our situation. The sonographer was lovely. As soon as was on my tummy I could see a tiny sac with something in it, but she couldn't zoom in enough to get a good look. I was not optimistic at this point, but she wanted to double check....so I had another date with Wanda!!
Well once Wanda was up there the heartbeat was easy to see. Usually this is where I cry with happiness, but I wasn't! I was so confused & angry. I just thought it was so cruel to be seeing this when clearly there was something wrong.
We walked & talked afterwards alongside Burton waters in the sun...both confused & my migraine was just not shifting!!
We came home & just chilled out on the sofa. The bleeding had completely calmed down at this point. So I allowed optimism to creep in a little. My migraine was wearing off so I went to bed and had a really good sleep.
I went for a wee in the morning but needed a number 2, as I started pushing a lot of brown & red blood came out. Just like a period. I 100% knew this was it now. I was so angry with even thinking optimistically & seeing what we had seen yesterday. I should have known that really we need this diabetes drug so we can fix the problem.
The bleeding got more intense throughout the day & more clotty. I called Tommy's & they were amazing, yet again. She told me my blood test results were all normal, but my situation didn't sound promising so they want me in for a scan. She booked me in for 4 days time so now is the waiting game. Like I said earlier, I'm 100% sure this is over for us again, but there is still that little bit of hope for a miracle that I can't let go of.
I feel so numb right now & can't even hug my mum. I haven't even told her I'm pregnant as I didn't want her worrying.
18th May 2020 - this is where I stopped writing. I was going to keep going but I just couldn't fathom the strength. It is now the 6th July 2020 & I now only feel ready to write what happened. The day after my last entry I passed our baby. I literally had to scoop everything from my legs & into a tissue. Normally I panic with blood. I'm pretty sure I have some form of PTSD from my 3rd miscarriage. But because I had not choice on how to deal with this thanks to Covid overwhelming our hospitals, I just remained calm...wiping away blood & pulling out clots when I needed to. I was feeling pretty out of it. I just focused on the physical aspect of it all until we got confirmation.
On the Friday I went to Tommy's in Coventry still bleeding but it had slowed down. I was so nervous & was trying not to touch door handles or anything that could have Covid on it. The waiting room was empty!! 8 weeks previous it was heaving.
I waited for the sonographer, who was also a reproductive doctor. They were absolutely amazing. So kind & understanding. Even with the masks & scary attire. They let me talk, cry & be emotional without feeling like I was on a timer. I felt a huge amount of guilt that Seb couldn't be with me & was just waiting in the car, waiting for the inevitable news & worrying about his wife. So part of me was wary about that & I felt like I should rush back but they calmed me down.
I had a date with Wanda yet again & I knew this time she'd be doing gymnastics as they'd want to check all is ok. Literally feels like its going to come out of your stomach!! So unbelievably uncomfortable. They confirmed that the baby had been passed but there are a few clots still there which should come away soon. They ask me if I wanted to see. And oddly I did, I think to 100% believe it was all happening & there was my empty uterus....where a few days it had a little baby inside of it.
I'm normally quite tough so I don't cry often in front of people, I usually wait to get in the toilet or the car, but this bit always gets me. Head goes in my hands & I just lost it, even though I'd known for a week what had happened, its just then ultimate confirmation hits you like a punch to the stomach. After a few minutes I compose myself, get dressed & ask if there was any obvious reason. They just shook their heads & say no reason at all. The doctor said they would have tested the baby if I hadn't passed it. She also added that odds are my womb will pick a good fertilised egg at some point & we can try again & if the worst happens again & I pass at home I have been given a lovely pot with saline solution & a toilet scoop!! This right now sounds horrendous but I know moving forward its for the best.
So here we are 2 months later trying again. My motivation for studying has completely gone. I just want to rest in the afternoons & watch rubbish on telly to distract myself.
I'm starting to feel better though. Lockdowns have been lifted & I've been able to see my family & friends who have all been so supportive.
We've also been decorating which has kept us distracted. Seb now has a man chair & gaming corner so that's made him happy!
We'll keep chasing that Rainbow...too stubborn to let it go.
