So here we are....pregnancy number 7!! I started writing a diary the day after I found out I was pregnant again so I will share that below.
2nd September 2020 - I found out I was pregnant yesterday. Hugo had been really poorly from having yet another fight, he now has Horner's syndrome & a heart murmur has been found. Usually when I'm stressed like that I eat more food for comfort but I haven't been able to as I've felt a bit sick. Things like chicken really don't taste the same. I wasn't 100% sure if I was pregnant as my boobs didn't hurt, so when my period was late I just used an ovulation stick to see if I could be. The line came straight up, so I told Seb & we got a pregnancy test straight away just to be sure. And again the line came straight up!!
We're happy, but very reserved on this one. Normally I'll start dreaming of when the baby is due & what they'll look like. This time I just looked at when a 12 week scan would be & telling myself to keep my fingers crossed. I've never felt this sick so early on though, so maybe that is a good sign. We'll see. I've told friends & family as there's no point in hiding it. We@re going to need all the support we can get as my anxiety is through the roof.
9th September 2020 - Well I've completely lost the plot! I had to go into work for 30 minutes to help out with some HR stuff & I got that annoyed with everyone's negativity that I had to run out of the building crying my eyes out. I got home & Seb had to just hold me for 30 minutes whilst I just cried & cried. It took a full hour for me to calm down. My hormones are absolutely wild!! Or is because after 6 losses my anxiety is just crazy?? I am absolutely petrified every time I go to the toilet...which is a lot. I'm sleeping like crap....my boobs have started to hurt so I'm constantly grabbing them to make sure they still hurt. Being pregnant after loss is so difficult. I just hope this little one makes it.
I'm waiting for a scan letter from Tommy's - it should be for in a week or 2. I'm hoping around the 7 week mark so baby is easier to see & I don't have to have another date with Wanda!!
15th September 2020 - PARANOIA!!! I am awful right now!! Literally grabbing my boobs all the time to check they still hurt. They're tender to touch but when I'm relaxed I don't feel the pain so I panic & grab them. They're not as sore today & when I exercise they seem to be less tender. My sickness has also gone down to nothing so I'm absolutely terrified. Pretty sure its all happening again.
I just called my GP to get referred to the EPU for a scan. Part of me wants a scan right now & the other doesn't, as last time I had a scan there was a baby with a heartbeat even though I was miscarrying.
Well....I got a phone call back from the EPU within 2 hours......which is a nice surprise. We are going in at 8:30am tomorrow morning. I couldn't eat my lunch earlier because nausea returned.....but I don't know if this is nerves or pregnancy!! I'm so scared!
17th September 2020 - Yesterday morning I had my scan.....my boobs had become tender again & I still felt nauseous but genuinely thought it was nerves. We had a lovely sonographer who was very thorough....after a few minutes of her squinting she says she just wants to be 100% sure of everything but could she use Wanda?? For fuck sake!! So my nerves at this point were shot, so I didn't really care about Wanda. After a wee, the huge dildo cam goes in...I'm staring at the ceiling waiting for bad news. She says she thinks there is a heartbeat but really wants to be sure so has another go on the tummy & presses really hard....she turned the screen & there was my little grain of sand beating away. Don't get me wrong, I was really relieved but straight away my head just thought, well its ok for now! We have another scan booked in for 2 weeks at Lincoln but also our appointment for Tommy's came through for in a weeks time, so we're keeping it.....if we get that far!
23rd September 2020 - Been feeling really sicky on & off. When I don't feel sick I panic, then when I do feel sick I feel so happy. I'm having really vivid dreams about miscarrying, grabbing my boobs constantly still & checking my pants every 2 minutes!! My symptoms are so on & off its awful! We're at Tommy's for our scan in 2 days. I'm so scared, just really hope everything is ok.
This is where I stopped writing as it actually wasn't helping me....it was making me worse! So the next entry is now:-
16th February 2022 - Before I write anything more I am actually over the moon, ridiculously happy to say I have a 9 month old beautiful baby girl asleep in her cot as I pick up my blog. I really wanted to finish this and close the chapter & also give hope to others.
Pregnancy after loss is just ne big mind f**k. My behaviour did not improve at all until about 16 weeks but it still wasn't right. We had 6 scans all before 12 weeks because I had complete panic attacks, which strangely make your pregnancy symptoms vanish, which then makes your panic attacks worse. I had downloaded the calm app which helped me breathe out of any attack I had. The first 2 minutes you really don't think its working as you are still hyperventilating. But then it starts to calm. It was so helpful so I really recommend it. I ended up being a bit reclusive because of Covid. I was absolutely terrified of catching it. Pregnant women were just classed as high risk & to self isolate as much as possible. The vaccine was only found to be safe after Bridget was born.
So, unsurprisingly I developed OCD. Every day I had to do the same routine over & over. Including the exact time I showered, the exact order of getting ready or getting ready for bed, all my mugs had to be the same way as the kettle, I had to sing the same song to my baby belly every night before bed twice over, I had to play the elephant teddy we bought with her heartbeat recorded on it every night. If I didn't turn light switches off when it was daytime it meant something bad was going to happen. When I started to feel the baby move I created a spreadsheet with hourly in depth descriptions that I had to tick off to make sure her movements hadn't changed - it was things like that, but it helped me feel a bit more in control if that makes sense. I was supposed to have a specialist midwife but because of Covid that kept getting overlooked. Thankfully I had a very active baby, and she would also react to my touch so there was only a couple of times she scared me but it was for a matter of minutes.
I had to block all mention of baby loss & miscarriages from my social media as it was really triggering my anxiety. I felt so guilty but for once I really needed to be selfish.
The countdown to her due date seemed like the longest countdown in history! Being stuck indoors not being able to see people so much just made it worse. Her due date came & she wasn't budging. My anxiety started to peak again. I just wanted to have her here in my arms so I knew she was safe. I still didn't trust my body to do what it needed.
A week later I went for a sweep....which did nothing as my cervix was slammed shut. So our only 2 options were for an induction in a few days time or an elective c-section. So we went home and had a good think. I have a condition called vaginismus thanks to what we've been through, so an induction seemed like a very stressful thing to go through & I knew from hypnobirthing that stress can halt labour. I didn't need anymore stress, I'd got enough of it. So we decided to have an elective c-section. It wasn't ideal & I didn't rush that decision at all. But I felt it was best for both of us. Thankfully the consultant at the hospital was Dr Oteri, who you may remember I saw about my miscarriages before, and he was so understanding & completely agreed. He made me feel so empowered & calm about the whole thing. I was still hoping I'd go into labour beforehand but my C-section was booked for 2 days time.
After a lovely couple of days & nights filled with heartburn, excitement, nerves & worry, the day finally came. Thankfully the lady booked in before me had eaten breakfast & couldn't be operated on, so I didn't have to wait...I was 1st in. I was nervous, but for some reason I just knew this was the right thing to do. I rubbed my tummy & told my little girl to be brave & keep calm so we can meet each other. Theatre was so strange, the room is huge. Your bed they do surgery on looks so tiny. I'm so glad Seb was allowed in with me as he kept me so calm. I practiced my breathing that I had learnt & kept pushing negative thoughts away. The spinal block was done. It was quite painful but manageable. I hated not being able to feel my baby wriggling around but we were talked though everything & she was being monitored by a lovely midwife. 10 minutes later I heard the most beautiful noise ever....my little girl crying & crying very loudly. In that moment I cried & just felt all the anxiety I had been carrying for the last 10 months leave my body. It was like the biggest sigh of relief I'd ever felt. Seb cut her cord whilst she was checked over & I could finally hold her....well sort of...I couldn't have her on my chest as she was over 8 pounds, so they didn't want to effect my breathing. She was perfectly healthy & had 10 fingers & 10 toes.
Bridget Jennifer Richardson you have mended our broken hearts & I have never been happier in all my life.
