Studying for my CIMA, planning the wedding & a lovely summer made September come around real quick!!! It was about 2 weeks before my hen do & I was late for my period!!!! I'm always spot on time so I knew what had happened. To be honest we had got a bit relaxed with it all & decided to just go with the flow....well the flow decided I would be pregnant.
We were both happy but cautious still. I was a little more optimistic due to the aspirin plan, and because we hadn't planned it, maybe it was going to work this time.
I was still looking forward to my hen do, despite being 6 weeks pregnant when I got there. Any distraction was welcome. And this was going to be so much fun, but to be safe I wasn't going to go on any thrill seeking rides.....just the teacups.
We decided not to have a scan until I was back from my hen do, & to try not to get too excited. But dreams of me being pregnant in my wedding dress was filling my head. I would have been around 16 weeks pregnant so an announcement on our wedding day would be perfect!
My hen do came & went so quickly. I had such a good time with some lovely memories to treasure. I had been taking my aspirin, feeling shattered & sick so I had some good symptoms. I was starting to get a little optimistic.
The weekend after I had a hair appointment, & I had to tell my hairdresser I was pregnant as the smell of peroxide in the salon made me feel so ill. I went to the toilet afterwards & my heart just dropped!!! There was quite a bit of orange/brown discharge in my pants!! I just broke down & ran out to the car! Absolutely devastated! I drove home in such a state wanting to get to the toilet to have another look & see if there was more!
Unfortunately there was, so I panicked & booked a private scan for the next morning which was the earliest it could be done. Seb came back home & my heart was pounding having to tell him we were going through this shit show again. He just looked so defeated but wanting to comfort me. We just sat on the sofa watching shit telly, but not really watching it & hugging each other.
I went to the toilet later on & I won't go into too much detail but I could tell that this discharge was not coming from my vagina!!! It was coming from my bum! I know most people would have been grossed out by this but I was so relieved & just wanted to jump for joy!! Never though I would ever be grateful for haemorrhoids but in this circumstance I was elated!!! We both laughed so much about it, I even got Seb to check that I really had got them!! Poor sod.
We kept our scan appointment anyway just to put our minds at ease & we saw a lovely little bean with a heartbeat measuring just over 8 weeks. We went home so relieved & starting to let hope really sink in.
I went to work as normal that week & even told a couple of people that I was pregnant. However, on the Friday my symptoms just all stopped! My boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel sick or tired. I went really hot with anxiety & felt like my heart had dropped to my stomach. I rushed home to go to the toilet & there was dark discharge. This time I made sure it was coming from the right place & unfortunately there was no mix up this time. In an absolute rage I called the EPU as it was a week day & begged them for a scan. A nurse said she would call me back. Well they didn't. Nice!! After an hour of waiting on tenterhooks I booked a private scan and thankfully I only had to wait an hour. I decided not to tell Seb. He had started a new job and I didn't want to ruin anything for him.
The tears would just not stop, I knew deep down what I was about to see in that scan room. I walked into the dark room, trying to calmly explain the situation with a sopping wet face from all the tears. I laid down & let the sonographer scan me. About 1 minute later she held my hand and said those words you dread...."I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat". With a big gasp of air & a wobbly chin, this time, I wanted to see it for myself. And there was my little bean.....motionless.....lifeless. It had definitely grown & the sonographer confirmed that the size was in line with my dates & last scan so it must have happened literally that day. I felt so upset, confused & utterly devastated that we had to go through this again!!!
