There are many awful things you have to go through when losing a baby & having to break that news to your partner is right up there with the worst bits. Not only is your heart breaking, but you have to give that news to them & you do blame yourself so essentially you feel like you are hurting them.
The amount of times we have been through this, now means no words are needed.
Seb came home to me beside myself curled up on the sofa & I just shook my head at him. He sat beside me, knowing exactly what had happened & held me until words could come out.
We then had to make that familiar journey to the hospital, to that same hallway, to those grey walls and to that same waiting room. I wasn't as focused on blood loss this time as I think the devastation of facing this again took over some of the fear. I wanted surgery again. To wait this out must be torture & I just wanted it over & done with so we can get on with our grief. But I was also more adamant on having tests done! There had to be a reason!!! Had to be!! Thankfully they did listen & agreed with me that further investigation needed to be done.
The few days before surgery I kept myself as busy as I could. My manager was in Japan so I had to keep working. I just locked myself away & did a lot of what I needed that weekend so there wasn't much to do in the week. I was feeling pretty numb at this point. I felt like I had no tears left.
Surgery went as well as it can go. I had the same nerves & the same realisation of what was happening & just cried the whole time. I just wanted it all over & to get out of that building & hope that I didn't walk into someone carrying a congratulations balloon, or a father with a car seat. Even though you've had surgery, the speed at what you can walk to your car is amazing!
I had also decided that I wasn't settling for the treatment we had received so far and to research private treatment. I didn't care what the cost was, I'd get 4 more jobs if it meant getting an answer & not going through this again. I was so consumed with anger now.
I'd heard of Tommy's before through Instagram & Facebook so I decided to look into what they can do. The more I read, the more impressed I was. And I also felt less alone. I joined their Facebook group & saw the amount of people commenting on posts and asking for advice going through a similar journey. I read that your GP can refer you if you had 3 miscarriages or more, so I phoned them up straight away. Thankfully my GP is absolutely lovely & got on with referring me that evening. I later found out that he wrote a really heartfelt referral.
Now that I had another plan in motion we decided to take time completely off!! Protection would be used until we had been to Tommy's to get some answers. We had received a letter from the hospital 6 weeks later to say that our baby had been tested for abnormalities & that none were found, but that there was placenta tissue left behind. I was relieved that there were no abnormalities as it helped rule out a high risk of chromosomal issues, but also no where near finding an answer until we get to Tommy's.
I had been bleeding for 6 weeks now so called my GP who got me in straight away, I had an internal exam which showed I had an infection from the retained placenta, so I had to have a scan in a few days to see what was there & to have antibiotics to get rid of the infection.
I just wanted this to all be over so I could get on with having a break from it all.
Thankfully the internal exam seemed to dislodge something as I had a big bleed & then it stopped the next day. The scan a few days later also came up clear & they did extra investigations for me to make sure everything was as it should be which I really appreciated.
We could now get on with freeing our minds as much as we could do for the next few months!!
