I really didn't want to go through all that physical trauma again, I just wanted to be able to grieve. The nurse asked if I could go back that afternoon for some pre-op assessments....I just thought, great....near enough a whole day spent in this place. We left the hospital, feeling really thick headed, wobbly & sad. And just to make things even worse we came face to face with a woman outside, probably around 8 months pregnant in a hospital gown smoking away & chatting on her phone merrily! I wanted to grab her and shake some sense into her, I felt so, so angry. When you see the statistics on your "pregnancy folder" in huge writing "Smoking increases the chance of still birth by 60%", you must be an absolute dickhead to carry on smoking! I don't care if that offends anyone....I get scared if I eat a doughnut in case its not the best thing for my unborn baby and yet there's some people that just couldn't care & they get to go home with theirs! I walk away from her, muttering something to Seb and then we walk into the direction of a group of people with balloons that have "Congrats on your baby" all over them!!! Was this some sort of sick joke? I was now getting really upset & angry and just rushed off to the car!!!
We got home & just sat on the sofa, crying yet again and hugging each other. It felt so surreal, like we'd gone back in time and was re-living what had happened a few months before. I text my mum, and said sorry. I felt such guilt towards Seb, my mum and Sebs parents, I really felt like my body had just let everybody down. Obviously they do not feel that way at all, and have made it quite clear that they don't feel that way, but you can't help it. This time it was clear that after 4 miscarriages there was something wrong with me. I had completely eliminated the drivel that was in my head from the previous miscarriage....so it wasn't the dry shampoo or the tight fitting jeans etc........maybe it's because I don't walk enough and I sit at a desk all day (even though I work out at least 4 times a week), or maybe it's because I'd told everyone after that 1st scan and now i was being punished for getting excited too early?? I had to get out of the house, I was looking through that fucking window again and feeling empty! We went for a walk to the park near our house & Seb called his parents. He couldn't get many words out and just sobbed. I put my arm around him and just felt so disappointed & that it was so unfair. We sat on the swings in the park.....just for something to do and kept saying how shit it all was......again, when our cat Hugo appeared out of nowhere and started purring and fussing around us, and then went exploring the climbing frame like a child. Well it was a lovely distraction, and it did make us both smile......never seen a cat playing on a park before........
We went back to the hospital a few hours later and had to sit in that same waiting room, the smell now makes me feel sick, but thankfully there wasn't many people in there, and no-one that seemed pregnant....thank god! The crackly radio was playing, there was some old woman reading take a break, and we were playing on our phones.....then "Never Enough" came on the radio!!! What the hell??? Was this some game that was being played with me today? This song was not in the charts at the time, the greatest showman had been out for a while so it wasn't new & yet out of all the songs to be playing at that moment was the same song that I had cried to whilst holding my belly a few days before. I could feel my bottom lip going, so I just told Seb I was feeling sick and went to the toilet....it gave me an excuse to be in there for a few minutes so the song could finish. If you listen to the words in my context, they are so sad, gets me every time I hear it.
I had all the tests and checks done, which were fine, its only a blood test and blood pressure etc. A lovely nurse was talking to us and saying how sorry she was, I can't remember exactly what she said to us but I remember her being really nice & saying the right things......she was a bit older so think she'd had plenty of experience. I wasn't feeling scared at this point, I was kind of on autopilot & just hoping I didn't start bleeding before surgery.
The next few days were weird. One minute I'd be feeling really numb looking out that bastard window & the next I'd be crying. I just wanted this surgery done. It felt horrible knowing that I had our dead baby inside of me, I didn't know whether to be nurturing and hug my belly or try to keep distant. My head was all over the place.
Surgery day finally came and I was up bolt right at 5am. You can't eat anything & you can't drink anything other than water for 2 hours before you go in. So I drank a bit of water, but was really conscious of it, so didn't drink much. I was told to be there for 6:30am & Seb came with me. As soon as I got to hospital I felt really, really nervous. What if something goes wrong? Or I wake up in the middle of surgery? I hadn't even been thinking of these things until now. We get taken to a private room and you are given a gown, pants & some socks for when you go to theatre & just left there really for an hour or so. My anxiety was starting to flare up though so this hour flew by, a nurse came in to explain that surgery normally takes place around 10am to 11am unless there is an emergency & that someone will be with us soon. Later on, the same nurse comes and takes my blood pressure, takes another blood test, asks some health questions and gives me some tablets to soften my cervix. You pop these under your tongue and they taste like soggy cardboard.....gross....and by the time they've dissolved your tongue hurts from where you've been trying really hard not to move them and swallow them. About 10 minutes after they had dissolved I felt really sick and was really shaky, i really did not feel good at all. I'd also started getting yellow discharge, so this stuff was definitely working.
2 nurses then came to take me to the theatre waiting room & Seb could come with me to wait, which was nice of them. I took my gown and things and was really having to breathe deeply, i was proper bricking it! I got changed into my gown and weird pants....and sat waiting....not really saying much, but shaking like a shitting dog, whilst Seb was rubbing my back. The surgeon comes in to introduce herself & asks me if the sonographers told me why we had miscarried - I said No, as I didn't think there was a reason. She informed me that I had a blood clot in the womb and because it was larger than the baby, it didn't survive, even though its normal to have small blood clots they usually appear later on and will go away naturally with no harm done, but because it was early on in the pregnancy, it caused miscarriage. I felt so angry at my body in that moment....why had it done that?? She then asked me how many miscarriages I've had, I tell her and she said, well this isn't right and we need to do something about this, you can't keep going through all of this. It was so nice for it to be acknowledged and not fobbed off so i started crying, she held my hand and said she will refer me to the specialist straight after she had finished her morning surgery. I was so grateful. She could tell i was nervous and said she would look after me and not to worry. I felt a little better, but I was still absolutely terrified. She went out of the room and another nurse came for me, I said goodbye to Seb and could tell he was scared too, I walked into the Theatre & it was so overwhelming......there are machines everywhere and everything is stainless steel, with big lights all over the place. I was back to square 1 with the fear. I laid on the bed and 2 nurses were putting those heart monitor pads all over me and they kept stroking my arm for comfort, I started crying again and kept saying how scared I was. I felt like a 5 year old again, totally needing reassurance. One nurse asked me what my favourite drink was? (I was bit confused about the question but thought I'd go with it....if she had some strong vodka in her pocket I was taking it)....I said Prosecco (love the stuff and I'm pissed after 2 glasses....could do with a few now), she lifted this injection and went, well this is like a bottle of Prosecco......the other nurse was putting the cannula into my hand....it stang and hurt a little, but I've never been scared of needles....plus I wanted this magic injection......she started putting it in and it felt like ice going into my hand and up my arm....so weird but within seconds I felt as pissed as a fart! They were still talking to me but I couldn't remember what about, all I remember was seeing a full packet of Caramel Digestives on top of a really high shelf & asking if they could sneak me one!! I was proper off my box! They carried on fiddling around with things and machines were bleeping everywhere but I felt much calmer.......then an oxygen mask came onto my face and they put something else in that cannula.......within 2 seconds I was asleep & then immediately awake!!! It is the oddest thing......i wasn't in surgery, I was on the bed with blankets on me looking at a row of empty beds and nurses walking around. A nurse came over and I just started bawling my eyes out, I didn't know what was going on. I asked if it was all over & if this was real....I can't even remember what she said, I felt so tired and groggy. Then I could feel a ginormous sanitary towel between my legs and what felt like period pain, a nurse came back over and I told her i was in pain, and she gave me some pills....they seemed to work within a few minutes.....hospital drugs are ace! You're then left there for a bit, all foggy whilst they come over every few minutes to check on you.
I then get wheeled back up to the Gynae ward......this feels so weird, I know i'm in good health but I'm being wheeled around on a bed like I'm an invalid. I kept apologising to the hospital porter. I felt like a bit of a fraud.
We get back to the room that Seb is in and he looks relieved. The nurse said she was going to bring me a cup of tea......I was dying for a sugary cup of tea. I only ever drink a builders tea when I'm ill, I was really craving this. It was the best cup of tea I've ever drunk!!!!! She said I could have some food too. It wasn't anything special but I was starving so I ate it within 30 seconds! I start to feel much better & then I felt some blood coming out and go up my back....panic sets in as I think I'm going to haemorrhage, so I have a look down and its not actually that bad at all (breathing can start again) but I feel gross, I've become aware that there is dry blood up my bum and on my lower back, but I still can't really stand up (to be honest I was terrified of standing up), so I ask Seb if he would mind cleaning me up. He didn't even hesitate, he got a wipe and cleaned me all up........but now I also needed a wee! I was dreading this...I kept thinking about all that blood that came out with the other miscarriage when I went to the toilet, so again, I had to ask poor old Seb if he would come with me and hold my hand. And thank god he did........it stang and hurt like nothing I'd felt before, it felt like someone had slashed my pee hole!!!! There was, to begin with, a strong stream of blood but it quickly diluted the more I wee'd. That was awful!!! I thought they'd cut my urethra or something! I asked a nurse if that was normal, which she said it was and that my next pee should be nicer. She was right.......i drank loads of water & about 10 cups of tea, just to test her whilst I was still in hospital.
I was starting to feel much better & I'd had a few checks on my blood pressure & about 5 MORE cups of builders tea (think I was starting on a sugar high) & at 5pm we were allowed to go home, armed with some leaflets & I was told to relax and keep rested whilst I was still bleeding.
We could finally go home and start to deal with our feelings........again.
