If only it was that easy....so Christmas went and New Year was crap like usual. Is it just me or does New Years Eve become rubbish after the age of 25?
I was determined this year we would get pregnant & it would be OK because I'd do everything i needed to. I started taking Folic Acid; research suggests taking this 3 months before trying to get pregnant, so obviously I instantly blamed myself for not doing so before, & I was also going to eat really healthy so that would help a developing baby rather than the cheese I shovelled down myself last time. I genuinely believed that this was part of the reasons for our miscarriage....I obviously know now that it had nothing to do with it.
I also naively thought we would get pregnant very easily like last time, so that 1st month we really didn't make much of an effort.....and shockingly we didn't get pregnant. My period came and I felt so sad, I was really ready again and desperately wanted to have a baby. In this little dark moment in your cycle every one seems to be pregnant, showing their 12 week scan pictures, you know the same one you had planned to do! Seriously, why after you've had a miscarriage does it seem like every woman and their dog is pregnant??? You can't even walk to the corner shop without having a bump thrust in your face. I know to people who haven't experienced this, they will be thinking I am being very dramatic & OTT, but miscarriage does send you a bit crazy. Another celebrity is pregnant....and day after day there seems to be more pregnancy announcements & because you had once been googling like a mad man about pregnancy, your social media thinks this is what you want to see!!!
I am so happy for people that get pregnant & have a baby that they love, but at the same time you think, why wasn't it my turn? You're constantly fighting against being rational & feeling sorry for yourself. It's a horrible place to be.
I was also getting the usual comments:-
"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"At least you were only early along"
"You're young, you can keep trying"
"My friends, cats, uncle's, sisters friend had a miscarriage & now they have 50 babies"
I know some of our family & closet friends are reading this thinking, "Fuck....I said that", but this isn't a dig or a pointing the finger thing, because if I hadn't gone through this I would have probably said the same thing....you're looking for a positive to help someone out. No one said these words to me with any malice, I know they were trying to look after me & at first I thought I was being a complete idiot for getting upset by the comments. But after seeing MANY posts about this, I'm glad to see its not just me & this is why I wanted to do this blog so we can educate people on what this all means to someone going through it. As I've said before 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, this is a huge number & to be taught that we have to be quiet and disregard a pregnancy because its under 12 weeks is awful. What everyone needs to realise is that when you see those 2 lines on a pregnancy test, you have a baby.....that baby turns into a toddler, that toddler turns into a child, that child turns into a mard arse teenager, that teenager turns into an adult.........
You envisage all these things and what your family will be like, for it all to be ripped away.
So there is definitely no "AT LEAST" about it. The best thing anyone can really say is, "I am so sorry for your loss, it's absolutely shite and I'm here for you"or even if the words can't come to you, just say you don't know what to say and give us a cuddle. Just asking how we are doing, or even just sending flowers means the world. It means you aren't dismissing the grief or down playing it, you are accepting it and are showing you're there for support. Thankfully, I'm not one for keeping quiet so our family & friends are now experts. They've sat through the same conversation over & over, but have listened and asked questions because they know its important. Unfortunately it is in our nature to play things down, or think that some poor bugger has it worse than you so your grief doesn't matter. This is not good for your mental well-being at all, no wonder the statistics are so high for women having depression or PTSD after a miscarriage. So please if you know someone that has gone through this, just ask how they're feeling....so simple, but really needed & appreciated.
Back to us trying again......so the 1st month didn't happen.....I was now convinced that as well as all the other things I could blame myself for, perhaps the fact that I was approaching 33 years old would let me down......so I thought I'll start tracking my ovulation, so I bought some sticks from Ebay & a thermometer. I had now joined the TTC (Trying to Conceive) club. I'm gonna tell you now....this club is like OCD anonymous but with every graphic detail you could imagine about a womans body!!! This takes over your life! You split your life into 4 week cycles, the 1st week is your period.....so you sit there bloated, upset, eating as much chocolate & pizza that you can shove in your face, and angry....even next doors dog seems to be pregnant & is purposely walking past your house to rub it in! The 2nd week is more fun, this is where the "trying" starts......so that week you are shattered & the house is a shit hole....you have no time for cleaning!! The 3rd week is OK, the beginning of it you are still trying but with much less enthusiasm as you have both lost 3 stone in a week and need sleep. Then the 4th week......time stands absolutely still!! You analyse everything....you have a headache....its because you're pregnant.....or could it be your period........you cry at a dog on Britains Got Talent.....you could be pregnant....or it could be your period! Doesn't bloody help that the symptoms are so damn similar!! My 1st sign of pregnancy is sore boobs, so I grab those about 50 times a day to see if they are sore....then probably make them sore from all the grabbing!! You journal everything into this Ovulation app on your phone & it all looks really good......then BAM.....period is here again!! Angry, Frustrated, Upset & so disappointed....and here comes next doors fucking pregnant dog again...walking past your window!! This is how life is trying to conceive a baby....so you know when you tell someone to try and relax and it will happen....you can imagine what that feels like!!! You then eat a shed load more chocolate & have a glass of wine, & the next day feel shit about doing it because you now may have ruined your chances of conceiving this month.....yes you do get that obsessive....a glass of wine whilst on your period will not hurt you at all but you think that it might! This obsession continues over & over again......
Month 5 of trying comes...the Sun is starting to get warm and you can put away the coat, winter is finally behind us...but anxiety is creeping in....our due date for our baby is approaching & I don't want to be sat there with no hope in sight. I have lost patience for that week 4 waiting game, so I buy some 1st response pregnancy tests (these can detect pregnancy from 5 days before your period is due), it was the day before my father in laws 50th birthday so I wanted to know if I could drown my sorrows away and get a little tiddly!
Well...all the obsessing paid off....I have never been more happy at not being able to drink......we were pregnant again.
