This blog will go into where we started trying for our family, and that 1st pregnancy together. I am putting a warning here that this is quite physically graphic. I decided to not skimp on these details because as I was going through this I felt so alone......i did not read anywhere that this can happen, so it absolutely terrified me.
I actually started getting broody at around the age of 23, my best friends all had kids varying in ages and as I got older I saw that they brought such joy. When one of my best mates in Bournemouth fell pregnant & gave birth to a gorgeous little boy, I completely went gaga. I could have held him all day! 1 problem though.......i was still single & hadn't met anyone special yet, I was no where near where I wanted my career to be & I was absolutely miserable. So babies were put on the back burner & I decided to get me happy & get my career rolling.......starting with moving back home to Skegvegas!! (Yes....seriously).
Fast forward several years.... I'd met Seb 2 months after moving back to Skeg, so we'd been together a few years, I'd studied & completed my AAT (Association of Accounting Technicians), had moved to Lincoln to get a better job & was studying for my charter. We were looking at buying our 1st home, we were engaged & I loved my job.....we were ready....more than ready. So, instead of "trying" to get pregnant I came off contraception & thought, well that gives us a few months to get the house buying sorted!!!! I was so excited at even the prospect of it. I was 32, so a good age (I believe the average age of 1st time mums in this country), I was in great health....I had stopped smoking 2 years earlier & was even an Ambassador for a fitness company, so I had nothing to worry about.
We didn't know anything about ovulation tracking or when was the best time to increase our chances, we just went with the flow....... the 1st month we were both so busy....Seb was doing 12 hour shifts & I was working all day, then studying all night so there wasn't much "trying" at all.....in fact it was only once. So I wrote that month off..........
Well......a couple of weeks later my period was 7 days late, my boobs were on fire & i didn't feel quite right, so I got a test....but was still thinking I was just late.......well it came up Positive!!! What????? I was completely shocked! Was not expecting that at all......but I could not wipe that smile off my face. I told Seb & he was shocked....but absolutely over the moon. I called my GP & we saw him the next day, we were all smiles and he was happy with how I was, he just told me to get Folic Acid & Vitamin D & to carry on as normal for the 1st trimester, but to listen to my body if I needed rest. He booked my midwife appointment for 10 weeks gestation. It was all so exciting. We told just our parents for now.....that's the normal thing right? We were all so excited. I'd had my history of miscarriages but I was so healthy now, and this was planned......it felt so different.
Keeping it quiet at work got tougher throughout the weeks. Every time I had to go downstairs (which was a lot as the loo is downstairs), my boobs would feel like someone had them in a vice grip!!! I had to stop all Cardio exercise because of this! And I was so, so tired....I've never known tiredness like it. I would come home from work and just sleep for an hour or 2.....wake up, have tea, then go to bed! So studying went out the window & was replaced with drowsy studying on baby apps, baby books, baby websites....you name it...i read it half asleep!! I felt sick when I didn't eat, but all I wanted to eat was cheese....so I was whacking on the weight! I didn't care though, I was so happy.....and tired....did I mention I felt tired?? :)
October came & I was about 9 weeks pregnant when my social media was flooded with Baby Loss Awareness Month......anxiety started to kick in......what if that happens to me?? I kept trying to put it to the back of my mind....but I kept thinking about how sad I would be if it was me posting that.
1 week later we had our midwife appointment & I told her how anxious I had started to become, but she did a lot of checks on me and even said I was a Grade A Patient, everything was looking fine. So my nerves started to settle after that. We had 2 more weeks until our scan. Could not wait to see little peanut.
5 days later I woke up with an absolute beast of a headache....a proper pounder. So I instantly went to Dr Google to see if this was normal & if I could take paracetamol...... which was all OK & very normal for headaches in pregnancy due to your hormones. Thank God! So took the pills& eventually the headache went so I went to the gym for a little morning session....i loved going to the gym on a Saturday morning....it meant I could sleep all afternoon & not feel lazy! I went to the toilet there and saw a little bit of brown discharge.......my heart felt like it just thumped right into my stomach!!! I quickly went home and again trawled through Dr Google! I can tell you Dr Google did not help one bit!!!! Such mixed messages on "Mumsnet" (Do not go on this site......full of idiots!), what the hell do I do? Doctors were closed........but I'd had nothing else come through...everything was back to normal & I felt OK, so I kept busy. I didn't tell Seb as I didn't want to worry him. The next day there was still nothing more, so I thought it must have been a one off, but I'll call the doctor on Monday to just check.
Monday came!!! And so did more discharge....this time I was at work. Again my heart just ploughed right through me & I sat on the floor sobbing. After a few minutes I ran upstairs into an empty office to call the doctor....i needed to know what was happening, so they told me to go in straight away. 1 problem.......i now had to tell my boss....but quickly piss off to the doctors. So I went into my bosses office, shaking, crying & told her I was pregnant...to which she replied "I know" (I swear this woman has secret powers), but that I'd talk to her later as I needed to go to the doctor asap as I'd started bleeding......I don't know why I hadn't told her before, we're very close & I knew she would completely understand. I did not think at that point that it would be 3 weeks later that I would see her again!
I went to the doctors & she said I had a high temperature & there is blood in my urine so she said it could be the start of a miscarriage or it might not be.....best thing to do is to get a scan at the EPU. She left a message on their answering machine & told me they will call me back that day. So I went home so dazed & confused. I really didn't know how to feel. All I wanted was a scan to see what was happening. I didn't tell Seb anything yet as I didn't want to worry him at work. The EPU finally called me 6 hours later!!! It was after 5pm so I knew they wouldn't be able to see me that day but I thought (naively) that this is an emergency so it would be tomorrow. Nope!! Not until Wednesday!! Wednesday!! That seemed like a lifetime away! I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on, but they just said that was the earliest I could be seen. So I've got to wait 2 days to see if my baby is alive. Great! I just hugged my tummy thinking maybe if i cuddle it, peanut will cling on and make it.
Seb came home from work & I told him what was happening......he just kept trying to be optimistic bless him. A few hours later I went to the toilet & saw BRIGHT red blood.......this I know is NOT a good sign, so I rushed down to A&E, heart racing and they sent me to the Gynae Ward where a doctor wanted to look at my Cervix........I suffer with Vaginismus so this was all i needed.....that plastic horrible thing going up there!! But I just wanted answers, so took a deep breath & the doctor had a lot of patience, but he said my cervix was still closed so its still only a threatened miscarriage and that bleeding can happen in pregnancy, but to come back if the bleeding gets worse. So at 3am we went home, slightly more optimistic than when we got there!
Tuesday came & not a lot was happening down there, still bleeding but not heavy. I no longer felt sick or tired in the sense that I wanted sleep, I was exhausted but I just couldn't rest. I really just wanted this scan. I genuinely felt tormented all day.......minutes felt like hours!! The evening came & so did more bleeding & black clots about the size of a 50p.......so back to A&E....except this time no one in the Gynae ward would see me, I was just told to go home with some huge hospital pads and to wait for the scan in the morning.......I know its not the nurses or doctors fault but I felt so let down. Why couldn't they just scan me & let me know what was happening?? So 2am, back home....upset and just feeling so sad. All morning I was checking my pants, I did not sleep at all. I got out of bed at 6am (Scan was at 10am....not long to go now)....but I desperately needed a number 2. (Told you this was graphic)......when you're suffering a bleed or miscarriage you are scared to death to do this because you know that when you push there you push things out of your vagina......you can't help it or stop it, but it had got to the point where I couldn't even stand up it hurt that much. So this little trick helped me and has helped me in the future. I got a handful of toilet roll and just held it under my vagina....i felt safer somehow! However what I saw afterwards on the tissue will haunt me forever. I saw a jelly like sac with a little peanut shaped baby in there, I completely panicked & I think because I didn't want to believe it I just quickly flushed it down the toilet......my heart was absolutely coming out of my chest! I didn't tell Seb about that until later on, but I just couldn't stop crying all morning, we just sat quiet hugging each other. We got to the maternity hospital 1 hour early.....we couldn't sit at home waiting any longer....so we sat in that awful cold waiting room instead playing on our phones. Thankfully they let us in a private room as they could see I was upset. About 20 minutes in we hear a lady in the next room just completely lose it, she was sobbing her heart out screaming "Not again! Not again!" , bless her I just wanted to go and hug her but then I started crying & thought that will be me soon!! After a while we finally get called in, I feel so sick its unreal & I am dying for a wee.......this is it.....there's 2 sonographers who were really nice & just us, the screen was hidden away from me, and then she starts with the cold jelly, I look over to Seb & I can see the screen is in his eyeline so I just fixate on him. They're moving & moving this thing around on me & I can see in Sebs eyes......nothing. After what felt like an eternity they tell me that unfortunately there is no baby, just a large sac as she gently holds my hand, I can feel my bottom lip going & I'm trying to keep it in for Sebs sake & dignity for myself, but I can't. I just lose it...I cover my face with my hands and just sob uncontrollably....and everything is silent....it's awkward because what can they say other than pass me tissue & say they're so sorry....so after a few minutes when the initial shock has gone they ask me to go for a wee and come back for an internal scan so they can have a check around........great....another implement in my fanny!! That walk to the toilet is so weird.....i just kept thinking is this actually fucking happening?? It can't be.....I'm going to wake up in a minute, surely! Anyway I go back to the room....explain about my vaginismus again....then I see "Wanda"........ (this is the huge internal probe they use for an internal scan......I have had to give her a nickname to make her appear more friendly as I have unfortunately had to see her on a number of occasions in the last few years).......what the hell is that?? It's absolutely huge! But if it means I might get an answer I've got to grin and bear it! Well it took about 10 minutes to get in there! I had a lot of "Well done's" from the Sonographers. I can genuinely say this was one shit morning! They ask me to get dressed & that a nurse will explain everything in the private room next door. So we go in, still dazed, & it was explained to me that this was called a "Missed Miscarriage", & that unfortunately miscarriage happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies......i did not know this......it sounded like so much! She was very sympathetic & gave me a lot of leaflets from the Miscarriage Association, and then we went through my options. Well I definitely didn't want surgery....that sounded far too scary, and I didn't want the tablets to "Force" everything out, so I was left with going home and letting nature take its course. I asked what would happen.......and now this is where I get very, very angry!!! It's not the nurses fault, & this is where the NHS needs to get more educated on this...bearing in mind I was 11 weeks & 2 days pregnant. I was told I would have a heavy period for probably 2 weeks and that there may be some clots but they shouldn't be bigger than 50p & you shouldn't soak a pad in an hour.......well, i thought I can definitely handle that. I just wanted to go home & grieve now. Seb was holding my hand and was being so strong, he kept rubbing my back & really looking after me.
So now we go off to Tesco to get a stash of massive sanitary towels & a fuck load of chocolate! We pull up to the car park and Seb just goes.......massively sobbing bless him.....he'd held it in for so long and just couldn't anymore......so we sat in Tesco Car Park for about 20 minutes just holding each other & crying our eyes out! I don't know how many times we kept saying, "this is so shit!!".
We get home & message our parents....as cowardly as that seems, we just couldn't talk about it. We get cuddled up with chocolate and what felt like really thick heads & put on the TV. Then came the cramps!!! So I take out Ibuprofen & paracetamol (no one told me you shouldn't take ibuprofen whilst having a miscarriage!!), and go to the toilet....... there's just blood.....loads of it! I changed my pad and within minutes its soaked......i knew this wasn't right so we went back to the Gynae ward & they ask me to pee in one of those pots.....well its just a strong stream of blood so I come out and pass it to Seb & my legs just start to give way.... there's blood soaking through my leggings and hitting the floor! Thankfully the doctor walks past and takes us into a room where he then proceeds to put another one of those speculums in (I'm too panicked to care or even mention vaginismus) and he just starts pulling stuff out of me into a bucket. I am absolutely shitting myself! I look over and see a trainee midwife at the door mouth wide open in shock & pale, I look over to Seb who just looks worried with tears in his eyes, so I look at the Doctor who is just calm......not panicking, just cracking on with whatever he was doing. My legs are now shaking & I feel freezing! Thankfully another Midwife comes along & takes my hand reassuring me....all of a sudden a huge wave of blood goes all the way up my back & the doc stops pulling. I am now asking the midwife If i'm dying!! "Certainly not my love, its all over now" and she cleans me up bless her. The Doctor comes over and says I've removed the Sac & some clots & I can't see anything else in there now, but you need to stay overnight so we can check you're OK. I ask him if I've had a vaginal prolapse as I genuinely thought all my insides had come out....obviously I hadn't. He just said that this a rare, but completely normal & that I would be OK. How the fuck was that normal??? He did explain a bit more to me but I was so tired I just phased out a bit. So we stayed overnight....pissing in those brown tubs all the time...... with Seb holding my hand each time. I just wanted to be at home to grieve but I felt so anxious about blood loss, I felt my body was robbing it from me. Mum came to hospital the next morning so Seb could go and feed the cat & get some rest. I finally got discharged in the evening & mum cooked us tea and for the first time in a week I got a few hours sleep.
The next day though my anxiety was through the roof! I turned into a blood detective - absolutely paranoid that it would happen again. I was still bleeding, it was like a heavy period now with a few clots (they were bigger than 50p though.......i'd say a 3 50p's together) but I felt OK & had no pain. Another day passed & I needed to get out of the house. I wanted a distraction from the constant blood checking. After 30 minutes of being outside I felt dizzy & so weak! I'd never felt like that before....I'm normally tough & can walk for miles. I felt so drained & I hated it! The Apprentice was on that night, so I knew that was a good distraction for an hour......smack bang in the middle of it, cramps came again!! Anxiety is through the roof! I am constantly looking in my pants! After an hour, 2 clots the size of my hand came out & the pain stopped! Bleeding wasn't heavy so I just thought that was it & we went to bed. Phew! Relief! I was just getting off to sleep when a really dull cramp started......it was so strange! So I put the TV on as a distraction, but it kept getting worse & worse until the pain got unbearable! I had taken ibuprofen & paracetamol but it hadn't made a dent so I called the Doctor & asked if I could use my secret stash of cocodamol (from a tooth abscess earlier in the year), I got permission & thought that would do it. Nope!! Did absolutely nothing & the cramps just kept getting worse & in quicker succession. Seb called the Gynae ward & they said to come in if it didn't get better after 30 minutes but to get an ambulance (Seb was still learning to drive at this point & they'd told me off for driving myself last time). We started timing the cramps, they were 15 seconds off and 30 seconds on, constantly. Seb called straight away for an ambulance as I was literally having to grab the bed and grit through the pain....this definitely wasn't right. 15 minutes later they were here, I climbed into the ambulance and this wonderful, amazing paramedic gave me the best thing ever.......Gas & Air!! I still felt the pain but I absolutely guzzled it so I felt pissed as a fart....I even started laughing! I thought I am not letting go of this shit! As we started to set off I felt something coming through my vagina.....it was literally pushing the walls apart.....so panic comes back. But they just say we're nearly at the hospital, the best place to be. So I keep sucking on this gas & air like my life depended on it. We get to hospital, I'm wheeled in on this bed clinging onto my precious Gas & Air and they ask me to get onto another bed....i beg them to pick me up & carry me as I know as soon I stand up whatever is in me is going to come out. They tell me I have to do it myself, so I tenderly stand up & GUSH!!! This thing fills my pants so much that they blow up, it over spills and splatters all over the floor. About 10 frikking nurses rush in, I'm shaking from head to toe in absolute shock whilst again I have the doctor pulling stuff out of me into a bucket. I couldn't bring myself to look at Seb so I just stared at this midwife holding my hand. She was amazingly calm, she really helped me breath and keep level & after the doctor was done again she cleaned me all up. The bucket was taken away and it was just us, the doctor and the aftermath....there was blood all over the place. The doctor explained that my blood just kept clotting to push the rest of the pregnancy away which resulted in a giant melon sized clot.....so basically the pains were equivalent to labour pain.... & again...he said those magical words.....its very rare but completely normal! Well after seeing a few miscarriage stories now.......this sort of thing isn't so rare!!! Especially if you are past 8 weeks gestation. I had to stay in hospital again overnight just to be checked. Sebs parents came & took seb out for a bit whilst I waited to be discharged, so I could get some rest & he could have a bit of a distraction & a huge fry up. I didn't rest at all....i was still playing the blood detective! I saw a specialist who said that it should all be over now & that I'll have medium bleeding for another week or so and that I should get some sleep. I got discharged a few hours later, so we all went home & popped a film on & for the 1st time in ages I really fell asleep! I think because the bleeding had slowed down, I was absolutely exhausted & I knew Seb was being looked after by his mum & dad.
The next day they left & it was just me, Seb & the cat. I knew physically it was over, I could feel it. I was still a half arsed blood detective, but I knew I could get on with our grief now. I will go into the few weeks & months after this in the next blog. Mentally, this is where the hard work really started.
