The physical recovery from surgery was actually OK. I was so paranoid that I would bleed out and have large clots but there wasn't that much to be honest.
I had blocked all miscarriage sites, pregnancy sites and anyone who I wasn't close to on Instagram, having a baby or who had lost one. I was in a bit of denial I think. I kept thinking that if I looked at these sites it would mean I was asking for another miscarriage. Mentally this miscarriage massively affected me. My anxiety was really high, I would get really paranoid when my cat was out thinking he would get injured every single time. I made Seb text me every day to say he got to work OK because I was so worried something would happen to him, I kept thinking that bad things would just happen all the time because we seemed to be getting the shitty end of a stick. Even stupid things like walking down the street, what if a car lost control and smacked into us.....paranoia had hit quite hard.
We had booked a visit to a wedding venue for a little look a few weeks previous, and that appointment was 5 days after my surgery. I kept thinking about cancelling it, but the weather looked like it was really nice and I wanted things to distract me and keep me busy. So we went. This venue was way out of our budget, but we still hadn't found anywhere we liked so I thought why not....we might get some ideas........
I think when you've had losses, money doesn't seem important. I genuinely couldn't have cared less about it at the time. We looked at this venue and it was the 1st time I had smiled in days.......it was beautiful. So we talked, sat outside on a antique bench overlooking the gorgeous grounds, and said, fuck it.....lets have a big wedding, we need something to cheer us up and look forward to. I was so fed up of being sad. So we booked it for Christmas 2019 (a year and a half to go). We were also very close to our house being ready, so maybe a new house & a wedding would bring us a fresh start. We also decided if we were doing this, we wouldn't try for a baby again until we had seen the specialist at Lincoln. We couldn't go through it again, it's too hard, so hopefully we could get some answers & a plan (optimistic I know).
A few days later my car had its MOT in the next village 3 miles away, and I thought it would be a fabulous idea to walk & get it as it was a nice day! Well.......that was stupid. There is a reason they tell you to rest! Thankfully I was wearing a maxi dress, but I could feel the blood trickling down my legs when I got there, so I quickly got in my car and drove home. I had bled all over myself! Thankfully it had slowed when I'd got home, so I wasn't too worried, I knew I had just been stupid.
The day after I had horrendous pain whenever I moved, it felt like it was in my uterus. So now, I had full on panicked. I called my GP who saw me straight away. I thought I'd got retained product and was going to have to have more surgery or things pulled out of me again, I was in floods of tears & shaking with fear. Thankfully it was a bladder infection, they're quite common after that surgery so if anyone feels the same....don't panic. I was so relieved.
As long as I was still bleeding, that fear of bleeding out would never go away, I just wanted it to stop. I was sent home with some antibiotics and told to rest! The problem with that is, it allows you to think & over think & go over your grief. I'll be honest....I didn't want to. I wanted to just go back to normal & get on. My anxiety was high but I think emotionally I had built a wall, which is not the way to deal with it.
For the next few weeks however, it worked. I had stopped bleeding & I went back to work. I could also exercise again, and I threw myself into it. I also started studying for CIMA again. So my mind was completely distracted, I'd got work, exercise, studying, the house & the wedding to keep me busy.
A few weeks later we had got the letter through from the specialist confirming our appointment, it was only 4 weeks away. I was very impressed with the speed of this appointment, but was also dreading it. What if there is something wrong with me?? What if it can't be fixed?
It was also our nephews 1st birthday coming up & if I'm completely honest I was dreading it. (Sorry Tiff -my sister in law) I love all of our nieces and nephews, and all my friends kids, I genuinely do, so, so much. But this latest loss, just kept making me feel like it was unfair that it wasn't my turn. So to be somewhere that will be full of little babies felt like it was going to be a challenge. I felt absolutely horrible for feeling that way, but that's what this shit show does to you. Thankfully we had a really good time, it was a lovely day & I just concentrated on the fact that my gorgeous nephew was 1 year old & he's just like his Aunty Vickkie....sat there all afternoon stuffing his face with cake!! It's when you leave that I think its the worst, as you imagine what it would have been like with your child there & what your child's 1st birthday would be like. But as usual, it was time to brush that all away & get on with everything.
The day of the specialist visit arrived, and to my horror I had not noticed before that it was at the Gynaecology department at the hospital.....the room next to the room where you have your scan when pregnant!!! What the fuck? Again, I know this is the NHS & I am so grateful that this service is available, but this is a kick in the teeth!!! So I had to sit in that same waiting room as I had done before, and listen to some moron moaning about not getting up early enough to do her make up, so she was doing it in the waiting room and spraying dry shampoo everywhere having a giggle with her friend. I wanted to punch the shit out of her! I'm glad she was having a good time but for me this was horrendous! I could feel the anger burning. Thankfully a nurse called me to my appointment - I do think 5 more seconds there may have been a fight. I walk into the room to Dr Oteri, shook his hand and I just broke down. I think all the times I'd bottled up crying just came out. I was really ugly crying as well, not just a few tears. He got me some tissues and said it's completely normal to feel this way, to which i told him that I felt like an idiot for crying because there are people out there who have still births or late miscarriages and they must go through hell! I had no right to be this upset. Which he responded with the best thing. Anyone going through this and feeling like you're not allowed to grieve because "someone has it worse", take what he said to me into account. He said, a baby is a baby....whether its 40 weeks or 6 weeks, as soon as you see those 2 pink lines on a test, that baby exists and you have every right to grieve that loss. Miscarriage at any stage is heartbreaking. And he is right, it's shit. Yes, people go through worse, but it doesn't mean that you are not allowed to be sad. If that was the case, then only the person going through the worst thing in the world is allowed to feel upset.
I think after another 20 minutes of sobbing, we had a really good talk about the tests he wanted to do and that he will be there for me the next pregnancy. I had blood tests done for all blood clotting disorders/syndromes and vitamin D deficiencies. I left feeling a bit better, but just shattered from finally letting those emotions out. I spent the rest of the day at home, looking out that bloomin window again, crying, but I knew I had to do it.
It took a push, but I was finally grieving properly.
This takes me to a little quote I found online & I thought this gorgeous painting by Sarah at Love Country UK says it all .
"A star falls from the sky & into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins & swims inside your blood & becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And its the most painful thing you'll ever have to do & that you've ever done. But whats yours is yours. Whether it's up in the sky, or here in your hands." C.Joybell C
