So now that the physical trauma is over, what do we do now???
We didn't even know where to start, we were in such disbelief that this had all happened. It was so hard to get your head around. The Sunday when Sebs parents had left, we just cuddled & cried, and cuddled. I think there was some crap on the telly but it was literally like background noise. I did sleep that night though....i think out of pure exhaustion. Seb had to go back to work on the Monday & i think he needed to for the distraction. I felt a little scared on that Monday morning as I was on my own. I'd not been on my own yet during this shit show....... but actually, it was a good thing. I could ugly cry & eat as many cakes as I liked & not get out of my pyjamas or brush my teeth until lunch. It was a very strange week that 1st week. I genuinely did not give a shit about how i looked, what the house looked like or eating healthy. I just moped around feeling sad. I remember 1 day just sat on the sofa, staring outside the window into the garden.....at nothing.....listening to nothing........feeling nothing but sad, for hours! I think the tiredness, the grief and the sadness just completely took me over. It was like a huge blur. My eyes felt so heavy.
We had so many messages, cards and flowers come through, all from our family & friends. Everyone was really checking up on us to make sure we were OK & I knew this is what I needed to cling on to. Whenever something bad happens, I always think there is someone completely worse off than you & you need to look at what you do have. And for support, we are so, so lucky. It's in these times that you really know who is there for you and who will be by your side. Our parents are amazing & were there for us everyday.
The second week came & I was starting to feel a little less blurry, and I felt like I wanted to start getting back to normal. My best friends were dying to come over and give me a cuddle, and I couldn't wait to see them either. Gina had given birth to her baby a few weeks before & I kept putting off seeing her until we'd had our 12 week scan because I knew I'd just blurt it out if I saw her (I now realise not telling my best friends I was pregnant straight away was silly), so I knew that when she would come over she would have to bring the baby. To most people having gone through a miscarriage this seems like torture, but I really needed to test myself. I was so excited for her that she'd had the baby & I felt like I'd let her down by not visiting sooner anyway, so I really needed to get this done & if I completely broke down and lost it seeing a baby, who better to do it front of than my best friend. She would 100% understand & support me........ And she did, I broke down to begin with but we hugged & talked & I finally met little "Lake"(I'm used to the name now...it suits her), I even gave her a cuddle. I didn't feel jealous or upset, I just felt broody.......it just confirmed 100% that I missed what could have been & that I wanted one.......holding a baby or not I'd still feel that way. So that was a good test. I passed....I can deal with being around babies. I know for some of you reading this is too much & I completely understand & feel for you, and if your friends are true friends they will completely understand, you just need to talk to them. My other best friend had also had a little boy a few weeks before & my nephew was born a few months before, so I now felt like i didn't have to avoid them if that makes sense? My other best friends came over armed with chocolate, and my mum came over to stay, so I wasn't sat all alone with grief building up as I was starting to get a bit fed up of being in this bubble of self pity.
My check up appointment with the doctor came and he was lovely, he made sure physically that all was OK, and then said, "If I ever needed to talk, to cry, or vent that I only need to call....Doctors are not only here for the physical side, but also the emotional side & that I'll have a long journey with this grief"..... Uh oh....the bottom lip had started to go. He just looked at me and said, "Vickkie - you do know you don't have to be tough all the time?" Well, that was me gone again.....but he was right, you don't. There are times when you will wobble, and it is completely acceptable. He wanted to sign me off work for another 2 weeks & I begged him not to. I really wanted to go back to work on Monday. Now all my friends & family had been that meant another week on my own again, and I couldn't face staring outside that frikkin window any longer!!! He said it was OK, but if I change my mind to just let him know & if Seb needs a sick note he would also do him one. I've read so many disaster stories of GP's disregarding miscarriage, but I can genuinely say mine could not do enough.
It was coming up to the weekend so I just kept rested, watching all the girly films that make you feel better. It was coming up to Christmas so there was plenty of those films about. Grief had now turned into waves, I was fine 1 minute, then a mess the next. This is how I have found it, at the beginning its like an absolute storm...the waves are huge and they just keep coming & coming & battering you, but slowly they start to calm and you can handle it better, but they will always be there, just not as tall and overpowering.
Sunday came & I went shopping!!! I love shopping, I'm addicted to clothes and shoes & this is why I can't save money. I bought a new dress for work - I needed something to help me gear up for going back to work. I had finally stopped bleeding too, so I could have a bath! A nice long bubble bath! Well not quite the relaxing bath I'd dreamt of.....i started crying!! For Fuck Sake!!, when will the crying stop??
I hardly slept that night, i had started having dreams where I was pregnant and the miscarriage was a nightmare. For a split second when waking up I'd think it had all been a dream.
The next day I got up & started to get ready & that's when all the questions started!!
Did this happen because I wore perfume?
Because I used hairspray & one time I breathed it in by accident for a second?
Because I had sugar in my tea?
Because I got stressed before a meeting?
Because my trousers were too tight?
Because I only ate 1 vegetable that day?
Because I didn't drink enough one day?
Because I'd started to get excited and told someone?
Because I dared to dream of the future?
I think because I was returning to normal life I started criticising everything I did on a day to day basis......I just wanted something to blame, it was impossible for me to believe that "this just happens"....... Well this was a great start to my 1st day back! I got to my office & sat tenderly in the chair - I don't know why, I just knew it felt odd! The last time i was sat in this chair I was happily pregnant! I logged in & watched the ridiculous amount of emails come in.....part of me was happy though.....a good distraction.....that will take me all morning to go through. I could hear my boss Wendy come up the stairs & this was where I felt emotional......i knew I was going to cry. She came in and asked if she could give me a hug.......the tears came again. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, i usually bottle things up then cry at home in private or in the toilet, so this was not like me at all. I can definitely say going through miscarriage will take your strength of keeping things in away. I then had to do my Return to Work interview & again this is where I am lucky. I have the most supportive workplace. I didn't feel scared to catch up, or made to feel i should be back to normal....in fact the opposite & that support is always there for me. This is how it should be in a workplace & I am so proud to work where I do. This needs to be mandatory. The government needs to educate workplaces on miscarriage & baby loss! They concentrate so much on pregnancy & maternity/paternity leave that the other part of pregnancy is ignored.
After the interview things start to feel a bit normal again. As I said before I am an Accountant, there is no emotional tie to what I do, its just numbers and a lot of concentration, which is a great distraction.....i had less time to feel sorry for myself & grieve a loss.......I was concentrating on spreadsheets (i love a good spreadsheet....sad I know).
Over the next few weeks, the questions never left me......in fact I think they got more ridiculous. I could never get my head around it. I had scoured everything on the internet! (Do not so this by the way....there is some genuine shit out there). I decided I needed to stop doing that & concentrate on forums by professionals. The Miscarriage Association was great - i could read stories by others in the same boat, and success stories. That website was a god send. I also felt well enough to start exercising again. Exercise has always helped my mental health. Growing up, & in my adult life I've had a fractious relationship with my father, mainly due to his neglect and marrying Satan, (that's another story), but exercise has always saved me when I've felt the dreaded anxiety or sadness creep up. I feel so much better & happier afterwards, even if its just for 20 minutes. I didn't feel like I could do RWL justice any time soon, so I left my post as an Ambassador and just concentrated on at home yoga videos and swimming at the local pool. I was feeling much better, i could feel those "Grief" waves really calming down....
Then my 1st period came!!! Hormones were everywhere, my skin went to shit, I felt angry & sad and the bleeding was quite heavy, so my anxiety kicked right back in & I was back to being the "Blood Detective". I was so paranoid that it would all happen again, I had nightmares and would wake in the middle of the night, it was awful. I had to take a few days off work as I was such a mess. Thankfully, Seb is amazing and has the patience of a saint. I got lots of hugs, lots of chocolate thrown at me & lots of love....i had turned so bloody needy! Thankfully it only lasted a week & I was back to some kind of normal again.
Christmas came & so did a bit more sadness......we had planned to make one of those cute baby announcements at Christmas, so it just reminded me that I couldn't. I'd look at the Christmas tree and think of the happy photo I had pictured in my head to tell everyone. It's usually my favourite time of year, I'm like a big kid, but this year I really wasn't feeling it. What it did do though was make us realise we wanted to try again....the sooner we got pregnant the better. Even though we were terrified it would happen again, we were willing to go through the risk, we just wanted a baby.
