Every time this happens....these questions race through your mind....it's like a repetitive shit show!!! I remember when this all started... I felt completely lost.....felt like i was the only person going through this....until I opened up & the amount of people that had been through miscarriages but kept quiet was astounding, and they said they couldn't really find much on the internet or much help, and even though its massively improving, there still isn't much and its still a taboo subject. I even see when a celebrity opens up about having one, the comments are....."is nothing private anymore??" Why should it be? It's a huge part of a persons life & is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I want to help people not feel embarrassed about being excited when you see those 2 little lines so early on.....of course you're excited.....you have a baby!! So I'm hoping this helps & will help anyone suffering to open up, or just feel like you are not alone.
It's hard to know where to start this, I've never really written anything before (apart from some questionable short stories in junior school)....I'm more interested in numbers, hence the job as a boring accountant, so I do apologise if this is totally incomprehensible.
It's probably best if I start from the beginning of my journey to parenthood.
I was quite young when I first experienced a miscarriage. I'd had 2 a long time before I had met Seb & out of respect for him I will not delve too much into these. I was not living my best life, I smoked, hardly ate, worked a ridiculous amount of hours and when I wasn't working I binge drank & was in really bad relationships so they were both unplanned pregnancies. By the time I knew i was pregnant I was already miscarrying, so they were both 6 weeks or under. I went to the doctors each time and was told to just rest and I'd have a heavy period....which to be fair I did. I still felt sad, but life carried on........
Years later, I had straightened myself out & grew up. I had moved back home from being in Bournemouth for a few years & I finally met the guy I knew I was meant to grow old with. It has taken a very long time for me to trust that this would happen for me. When you come from a broken home & one of the people you have trusted since birth and trusted with your life, betrays that trust, it's very hard to open yourself to someone new. I always said I would try my hardest to make sure that my children would never experience that, by doing so I had to make sure the person I start a family with would make the best Dad.....and Seb is 100% that person.
We had been together about 7 years & finally, after much subtle hinting, Seb asked me to marry him. I think this really cemented the feeling that I wanted to start a family, but we didn't start getting out the ovulation sticks or anything, we just stopped using contraception & fell pregnant very quickly. I thought this would be the easy bit............
In the last few years we have suffered a number of miscarriages now ranging from 7 weeks to 11 weeks. I'll go through each one in a separate blog as I feel its important to document each one & to remember each tiny baby. Every single miscarriage has been different, but what has been the same is the complete & utter devastation.
Have you ever felt that moment of grief that genuinely hits you in your stomach so hard that you can't breathe? Where you cry so much that there are no tears left? Where you just curl up into a ball in utter disbelief? This is what miscarriages feel like. They are NOT "one of those things", "maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "it happened for something better to come along".....they usually happen for no reason at all other than its just shit, and the baby didn't form.....it's just science, there is no metaphor or better things to come....it's just pure crap & unfair! They are definitely not anyone's fault either.....unless you are an absolute skag head torturing your body with drugs & alcohol..... Trust me, I have asked every question.....
Is it because I used dry shampoo?
Is it because my jeans were getting tight?
Is it because I ate too many dairylea dunkers?
Is is because for 5 seconds I was stood behind someone smoking?
Yes these are just a handful of the silly questions that you ask yourself.......I've even written a 2 page list like this and given it to the specialist........all the answers are NO! Anyone going through this will completely understand because it's easier to have a reason than to not have one.
We have seen a number of Doctors, all of whom have done whatever they can and have been so supportive, however our NHS system fails on this front. Only 1p per £1 spent in the NHS goes towards pregnancy....which is awful....the amount of money wasted on other things that aren't necessary, and yet this "condition" affects 1 in 100 women.....& when you think about it, that is actually a lot.
We have had every test imaginable, twice over and nothing. I eat healthy, I'm a healthy weight, I exercise, I don't smoke, I don't drink.......the midwife always calls me a Grade A patient....so there is literally nothing we are doing wrong. Our local recurrent miscarriage centre was amazing & very supportive, but even they admitted that this is well over their remit & I was going to be referred to Sheffield. However, I had been doing my research and was a part of the Tommy's support groups so I really wanted to see Professor Quenby in Coventry, I had heard so many good things about her. So i spoke to my GP who was more than happy to refer me.
A few months later we were in, the Pandemic had just started to take hold in the UK but nothing was going to stop me going......i just washed my hands A LOT!!! I was so nervous as I thought I would just burst into tears and feel so upset, but she was amazing. Very upbeat & positive that she will get us to where we want to be. I asked about NK killer cells, as I'd read about that and she said it's highly unlikely and that she knows what my problem is.....What?? I was stunned......everyone else has just said they don't know why its happening or that this happens for no reason, just a lot of "bad luck".....so much bad luck!!! Urghhh...was sick of hearing that! So, I will try to explain this correctly - I am definitely no scientist or expert but this is what I understand. I suffer with "Super Fertility".........yep you heard that right!!! You'd think I would have 10 babies by now with that statement! But no unfortunately it means we suffer. Getting pregnant isn't as simple as just a fertilised egg......you get more fertilised eggs than successful pregnancies because the endometrium (lining of the womb) in most women's bodies will push away & reject a "bad fertilised egg", you have a period and are none the wiser....this is why they say it can take 6 months for a healthy couple to get pregnant as your lining will only cling onto and take a "good fertilised egg". However, mine is a bit stupid and clings onto anything, so whilst a healthy couple may have had 3 eggs rejected and 1 accepted in a 6 month period, my stupid womb will have picked the 1st bad one to come along and I get pregnant straight away....but I never get past the 1st trimester due to the issues with chromosomal errors that have been allowed to come through.
So....whats next????
The amazing Professor Quenby & her team at Tommy's have done soooo much research into this and they have done a small trial where a Diabetes drug is found to improve stem cells in the lining of your womb. Every time you have a period, you shed that lining and then you go through a "repair" state....where this lining rebuilds......mine doesn't repair properly....so the increased stem cells from the diabetes drug help the lining become smarter and more selective, which they think will turn into less miscarriages and more live births.
As this has only been done on a small trial, Tommy's need to do this on a much larger basis now to prove this works, which myself & Seb are at the top of the list for.......however as the pandemic came in, funding stopped for this trial.....so we were stuck in limbo......desperate for a family. I am 35 & well aware that time is ticking. I know there are bigger things going on at the minute but it was a bit of a kick in the teeth. However, we were told to carry on and if I got pregnant they will give me progesterone & that might help........well guess who got pregnant within the 1st month of lockdown.........yep you guessed it........and unfortunately at 7 weeks gestation we miscarried again. Tommy's don't know when the trial will restart so have told us that if we feel like trying again we can, as odds are my womb will pick a good one at some point.
So this is where we are........still hopeful (somehow)........but quite broken.
